Down in the Dumps

Here's a touchy feely letting my feelings out which I rarely do to anyone post:

On Sunday evening my best friends dad passed away. I knew him, not well, but knew him. I've been a part of the family for 8 years. He was sick but he died unexpectantly. My neice Jenna who is 16 is having the hardest time. I don't even know what to say to her. I have never had anyone very close to me die. All of my grandparents have died. My grandpa's when i was young and my grandma's more recently. With my grandma's one I wasn't very close to growing up because she was manic depressive and wasn't on medication until i was older. Plus she lived up north and I didn't see her very often. My other granmda i was very close to growing up but she suffered from Allhemierz (sp) for many years and so it was hard to remain close to her. I just can't seem to find the right words to comfort them and it's hard. I'm the one everyone comes to when they need to talk, get advice and so on. I have a way with words but not this time. I know there's nothing one person can say to make them feel better but seeing my best friend and her children suffer is killing me. I love them like they are my family. They are my family.

A few minutes ago I recieved a phone call that my friend Tessa's dad passed away on the same day. Totally unexpected. I'm not real close to this person but she's still my friend. And she's one of my best friends courtneys best friend. I didn't know her dad but that doesn't matter. It's someones dad. A daughter without a father. Three daughters without a father and a brand new baby without a grandpa. A wife without her husband. It's a hard thing to grasp.

Many of you may not know this but Scott lost his dad when he was 13 years old. i won't get into how, that's his story not mine to tell. Of course I never knew him but still it's a father in law I never got to know. It's a grandpa who will never meet his grandchildren. I love being a part of scott's dads family. They are so awesome, alot like my family in some ways. They are caring, involved, and make you feel like family right away. i can't wait until I have kids because they will be very close to this family, I will make sure of it. They may never meet their grandpa but they will know about him and the family he comes from. I can't imagine losing my dad at that age, or my mom. Losing a parent when you are still just a kid. heartbreaking.

I know my dad will die. We all will. Everyone I love and cherish is going to die. My husband. Me. My best friends. My mom. Everyone. I am deathly afraid of death. I don't think I'm going to be able to handle it. Yes I believe in God. I know there's a heaven. God needs these people in heaven for some reason or another. It's not fair. i don't see why God needs them, we need them. Kids need there mommy's and daddy's. Moms and Dads need their little babies. Sisters and brothers need each other. Do you know that the pastor of the church we go to sometimes lost his baby grandson? No you didn't. A pastor. Close to God. Devotes his whole life and self to God. Grandson....baby.....dies in his sleep... Test of faith? Yes. Fair? Not at all. But God doesn't play fair. No one said he did. He tests you. Hard tests. One's you can't study for. To see if you can keep the faith.

I have kept my faith. But can I when this happens to me? When I lose someone I can't live without? I hope so. But I can't even imagine how hard it's going to be. CANNOT even imagine. Will it be too hard to unconditionally love someone who has taken something so important from me? I really hope not. I need to find some answers so I can be prepared for this. I don't want to lose anybody but it's happening whether I am ready or not. This is life.......and death.